Scars of sweet paradise

I have many things to do tomorrow. I am excited - I went food shopping and bought nice healthy food and no chocolate or junk. I am going on hiatus from alcohol for a month starting tomorrow, I wonder how it will turn out?

I made a new livejournal - I've had this one for way too long - it goes right back to just after I left Dave, over 4 years ago now. I feel like I've outgrown the name - I don't even like it anymore, typing it to log in just pisses me off. The new one is ohdarlinglove - go add me!

 I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way.

thank this: where I does not exit, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


Made me cry in a computer room on campus surrounded by people. Love should be more simple. I wish I could only love one person at a time.

-Happy.
-Drinking 20 bottles of beer tonight.
-Sun and sand.
-Did I mention happy?

- I will get back on the diet, for real, no dairy, no wheat (except cous cous), no tea/coffee, no potatoes.
- I will go swimming or to the gym twice a week, and stop taking the bus up the hill.
- I will stop procrastinating and get a job/do uni work/start my reading list for the summer.

Urgh. I will be thin, I will be pretty, I will have self confidence, I will be a better person. Hungover and misanthropic right now, I start work at 7am tomorrow and life as an organised, dieting adult starts again. I'm getting too old for this.

There’s a place I go
When I’m alone
Do anything I want
Be anyone I wanna be

Newton Faulkner - Dream Catch Me

-lose weight. not to what i was when i started uni, but so i can fit into a size 14 again. this means
     a) gym x 3 per week.
     b) eat healthily. thinking about going vegetarian.
-try to be happy. go to conselling, go on antidepressants, do what it takes to make myself healthy in mind as well as in body.
-get a first at the end of 2nd year.
-start to save money for after uni.
-get another job that i enjoy. (bar work most probably).
-work on my relationships with people - make new friends, solidify my relationship with olle, make my relation ship with my mother better.
-keep a list of all the books i read over the year :-)

 

ugh. i have three essays due in on friday. i have finnished none of them so i am staying up in the computer rooms all night to finnish them. i want to relax tomorrow, pack, clean up so that ollie has a nice house to come back to on the 18th, buy him a little something to make him smile, and put apple crumble in the freezer for him. i'm a good little housewife. i don't actually have that much to do - 500 words on poetry left, 2000 words on a short story (which is the one that i've been putting off and putting off cos i'm scared of it), and i have to finnish my history essay which is already over the word count and i have so much left to write. i should never be allowed to write on the subject of women, or feminism, or anything to do with women really - i love it and could go on for page after page! so not too much. hopfully i will do the english lit stuff tonight, and finnish the history one tomorrow. 2500 words in an evening - can i do it? 
i guess we shall see :-)

life is slowly getting better, i can't wait for xmas, i need the break. i currently have about £35 to my name, have 5500 words due in on eth 14th dec. counselling is doing a lot to help me. its so strange that talking for an hour a week to a man named jonah makes me feel so much better about everything. 

 These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users (as of today). As usual, bold what you have read, italicise that you started but couldn't finish, and strike through what you couldn't stand. Add an asterisk* to those you've read more than once. Underline those on your to-read list.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment

Catch 22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights*
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey*
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre*

A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma*
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner

Mrs Dalloway

Great Expectations
American Gods
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran
Memoirs of a Geisha*
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

The Canterbury Tales
The Historian*
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum

Middlemarch
Frankenstein*
The Count of Monte Cristo

Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys*

The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible
1984*
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray*
Mansfield
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest* Park

To The Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist

Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes

The God of Small Things*
A People's History of the United States:1492-Present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short history of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five

The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots, and Leaves
The Mists of Avalon*

Oryx and Crake
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed

Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita*

Persuasion
Northhanger Abbey
The Catcher In the Rye*
On the Road*
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakanomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence:An Inquiry Into Values
The Aeneid*
Watership Down*
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit *
In Cold Blood:A True Account of a Multiple Murder and It's Consequences
White Teeth

Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers 

Starbook

Stardust

The Lord of the Rings*

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

The Colour Purple*

The Handmaid’s Tale*

Vellum

Northern Lights (In the USA known as The Golden Compass)*

The Subtle Knife*

The Amber Spyglass*

The Devil in Amber

The Vesuvius Club

Othello*

Dr. Faustus*

The Coma

The Beach*

 i 
i just dont know. i need to write, but i have no time.

well, washing machine is still broken and i still have no clothes and i am still hungover at one bloody fifty-six in the morning. goddamn everything right now. but university is more fabulous than i could ever imagine right now - my courses are amazing - i feel like im finally getting what i want from university - an education. im studying arthurian legend at the minute which is my favourite thing ever and i want to do my disseration on it (which i don't get to do until next year unfortunately). i think i am the only person in the world to be looking forwards to doing my dissertation! i just got a new job, so money is kind of sorted, i still may have to apply for extra financial help from the uni, but thats ok - they take £3000 off me a year, the least they can do is give me a little back! haha. so life is good and all that, except, i just feel so damn sad all the time. sad and forlorn and on the verge of silent tears all the time. i dont know why. ive just changed my birth control because i thought it might be that so well see - if i still feel like this in a few months ill have to do something drastic about it.not sure what though.
best thing in my life right now is orchestra. my god i forgot how good it feels to play with people, to have that kind of cohesion and understanding with people i dont even know. concert soon which i am so nervous about. it will be fine though. rocky horror is sooner. oh the nerves!

SO NOT HAPPY. the washing machine door has broken and refuses to open. ollie broke it further then got angry when i told him hed broken it more, and so he left to go somewhere, not sure where. guess whose clothes are in eth washing machine right now, all wet and unavailable? yes thats right, MINE! fucks sake, i finally choose to do some washing because i have no tops left to wear and the washing machine breaks. that means i have no tops to wear until monday at least when i go to rape and pillage in the goddamn estate agents, they are going to wish theyd never rented a house to me.

well uni is all good, i am so insanely busy. im up on campus 5 - 8 hours a days which suits me just fine, i'm reading and thinking and doing things like i never did last year. it makes me happy. pride is ok, showdance is fantastic (wer'e dancing up at the union for halloween night which is rocky horror show themed), and my lectures are so interesting! i just need to get a camera and start writing again. i wish i had more time. and oh! me and ollie will have been together for a year on the 8th. oh my god life is good.

ive been doing bits and pieces this week, phone calls and internet and violin and lots of reading. on one hand its calming, and on the other i want to cry and cut and scream becasue im so stressed. i could potentially not get a loan. i applied as an independant student, and they decided i wasnt one so needed more information about my parents finaces, yet didnt tell me this, i found out yesterday while idly wasting time online by checking on my application. so they havent even looked at my application other than to decide that because i havent supported myself for 3 years, only 2 and a half, my parents income still counts towards whether they will give me a loan so that i am able to go to university. my parents havent given me a penny since i was 18, i am 21 now. how is it fair that the goverment assume that my parents will top up the money that they give me, when they are struggling to raise and feed 4 other children? this is forgetting that i also have a sister in her first year on uni too - do the goverment expect my parents to support us both through uni? they barely have enough money to afford to come and see me, to go on holiday, to buy luxuries like new school uniforms rather than hand me downs. i fucking hate the goverment and the way university is set up, and i hate the way that if i dont have a degree i cant get a decent job, and i hate that there is nothing at all i can do about any of this.

my dearest
sweetest you,
i wish you would believe
me when i say
those three words. i wish
you were here right now
so i could press my forehead
against yours, push my glasses 
into my tangled hair,
and let you see the truth in my gaze.
you are the bedrock of it all, you
are foundations of my sanity.
when i feel i am slipping back
into that world of half truths and uncertainty,
hatred and self loathing, your hand
is always the one i claspe, and even with-
out knowing,
you pull me free.

surprisingly i do not miss the internet. in fact i am enjoying being without it. it is summery and i have a green and white dress and i feel like a flower girl.

so its been awhile. what can i say other than life is average, i have no idea what im doing this summer, and i love cooking with every fibre of my body. speaking of cooking im going to go and roast some pork.

well i have managed to block out the depression with lots of going out and drinking. went out with bridget wednesday night, and yes its friday niow? i am totally missing a day. stayed up til 1pm on thursday, so was awake for 28 hours, then went to sleep for 19. fun. but i miss thursday! was fantastc=ically worth it though. my bank has suffered though, no more drinking for me! got new glasses, getting my hair cut and dyed later and i should be getting a letter from ollie when the post comes. see ollie on wednesday. yes. life is getting better. have also decided never to go to the flat again. quite willing to see people and do things outside of the flat, but am fed up of going there, getting stoned and sitting watching films and not speaking to anyone. done. off to get a hair cut.